With bitter frustration I fell under the push up. I had tried, I failed epically. Knuckle push ups had always been hard, worse when you woke up at five in the morning and dragged yourself to work out at Karate by six. I felt so weak, so pathetic, so ridiculous, a sweaty mess, face first on the floor of the Dojo. I just wanted to be strong, I just wanted to feel good about my body. I was failing.
If I couldn’t feel good about my body, maybe I could feel good about my mind. I was determined to push myself to doing everything I possibly could. If I couldn’t be strong and gorgeous, I would be smart and sharp. Reading and researching, I pushed, pressed, and struggled. Seeing my math grade made me crumple to the floor in a puddle of messy failure. So much for that plan. All I wanted was to be sharp, brilliant, and smart.
Starring at the mirror, I stopped. What was I doing? Why did I have to be strong or beautiful? Why did I have to be brilliant or sharp? What was I trying to do. It clicked. I was trying to find worth. What? Worth? I already had worth, all my life I was told how I was worth so much. What was I doing? I shake my head, trying to clear the fog.
Peer pressure. Was I really breaking under it? I didn’t even know I really experienced it, until I began to panic when I had to leave the house. What did I wear? What did I bring? Should I wear make up just in case? Should I bring multiple books that I am reading, just to be sure people can tell I am intellectual? Should I keep my hair down to help mask the acne on my face and back? What if I have to talk? Should I come off as bold and funny or smart and proper?
I was really letting it take a hold of my life. I needed to be reminded of something. Something I have been told all my life, but I fail to understand day by day.
I am worth more than the entire universe to Jesus.
I still can not fully fathom this. I feel like I have to earn this kind of love, this kind of true value. When I receive peer pressure, I fail to understand how I am worth anything. It drains me of any valuable feelings I once had. Through this pressure, it made me think God could never really value me without me proving my worth. I was unconsciously doing it. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I finally asked myself why.
God doesn’t need me. He wants me. Because He loves me. He never needed to make me. He never needed to do anything for me. He did it because, He loves me.
He just loves me. Nothing I did or ever will do will change that fact. I can’t make Him love me more by doing good things, he already loves me more than any person is capable of loving.
My value is immense.
Your value us immense. Don’t let the words or the looks from others, change who you are.
I know I will have to be reminded of this again soon. It will probably be a never ending process of having to remind myself of my value my whole life. Knowing how much Jesus really loves can make the biggest difference. We all need to be reminded of it. We forget to easily.